Swine/Mexican/h1n1 Flu

Keep calling it swine flu! Yes it hurts the pork industry but pigs are way cute.

So, Matt and I are planning to hit up San Francisco this month, and I’m really stoked. For one, I’ve never been south of Seattle (or New York, whichever is more southern). Secondly, Americans are really awesome at pandemics. Don’t get me wrong, Canada had SARS, we don’t get a free pass when it comes to histrionics, but the nature of the American media leads to a bunch of people freaking the fuck out. I’m really, really looking forward to potentially experiencing this close up.

I actually remember the whole SARS mess. One of my best high school friends was the exchange student from Finland. Her mom came to visit during the SARS outbreak. We were in Saskatchewan, which doesn’t have direct international flights, so her mom had a connecting flight in Toronto (aka the Canadian SARS factory). She had a lovely visit, but got a bit of a cold when she was about to leave. She had another connecting flight in Toronto, and when she got back to Finland and was coughing, she was promptly quarantined. 

Anyways, I think the primary difference between how we dealt with SARS and the USA is dealing with swine flu is how we treated the region of origin. SARS came across the Pacific from China, but I don’t remember there ever being a call to disallow Chinese people from coming to Canada. One of the very first online reactions I saw from Americans regarding swine flu was, “PUT A WALL UP!!!!111!!!!” Obviously these reactions were from the surprisingly large percentage of Americans who feel that the border should be closed anyways, but it was still kind of shocking to me.

Didn’t the flu originate from factory farms owned by Americans that they operate in Mexico because there are fewer regulations and lower operating costs?  Confusion.

I guess I just think it’s silly that people are freaking out over something that can be cured by sleep, soup and pedialyte.

I never should have left the Island!!!

See that? That right there? I just quoted Hurley from Lost. I think that means you have to forgive me for not updating this in a bajillion years.

…ok, fine, I’ve still never seen an episode of Lost. I used the internet. Goddammit stop judging me you smug bastards!

So update time: I spent a month in the Vag, hanging out with the family.  On top of that I’ve been writing way too goddamn much (not blog posts though obviously).

Well, this is a boring post. I’m going to go write a new one about swine flu.

Obama’s Not Your Mama.

Ok guys, I pushed for Obama just as hard as you did (that is, once Hilzie’s ship had sailed. That’s right, we’re on a nickname basis) but this is getting a bit much.

A fantastic American, who supported Obama before I did, brought up tonight how incredibly uncomfortable he is with the people chanting Obama, and the insane hero worship that is surrounding this administration (he called it Hitler-ey, but he’s a selfhating Jew so he calls a lot of things Hitler-ey). I don’t blame him.

It’s one thing to be excited. You should be excited! It’s like when the wicked witch of the east got killed and the munchkins thought it was safe to emerge from their mushrooms and stuff. But don’t get too excited. Obama is fantastic, he’s a drastic change from the Bush administration, and goddamn is he pretty, but he’s still a politician. He’s still just one guy. He doesn’t have a magic wand, and his joke about being born on Krypton was just a joke.

So I guess what I’m getting at is; be happy, be excited, but most importantly, be realistic. Things won’t be fixed in one night. Hell, things probably won’t be fixed in 4 years, but America has taken a step in the right direction, and you guys should be proud.

PS- How awesome was Joseph Lowery’s benediction? Holy eff. That was fantastic. I think it went over a lot better than Rick Warren’s original invocation of “If it’s black, send it back. If it’s gay, take it’s rights away.”

Bill Groundhog-Day, Ghostbustin’-ass Murray

So, a friend of mine apparently does not read my blog.

We were discussing movies we’re looking forward to, and he mentioned Ghostbusters 3, which he followed with, “but only if Bill Murray is on board.”

In an effort to be clever, I replied with, “The guy who plays Garfield?”

Oh. My. Goodness.

I was not expecting the never ending flow of expletives following a comment that I personally thought was cute.

I would like to take this time to formally apologize for taking our lord and saviour, Mr Bill Murray’s name in vain. I am fully aware that he has done things outside of Garfield; A Tale of Two Kitties.

Celebrate the New Year with Laryngitis!!

For some reason, any time there’s a holiday with potential for partying and general acts of awesomeness, I get sick. Whether it’s Christmas, Halloween, or even Canada day, some how I manage to at least have a cold. This year I got a cold Christmas day, which has now progressed to full blown laryngitis. The following are ways that my voice can be/has been described;

• An 85 year old lung cancer patient still smoking while on a ventilator.
• Jerry Seinfeld doing his Godfather impression.
• A waitress who has been working at the same diner since the 50s.
• The chick from the little mermaid had she attempted to talk after that half octopus chick stole her voice.
• Any of the mad men characters had they been real, and still alive today.
• The worst drag queen ever.
• A mouse trying to talk via computer to someone in another country while using a microphone purchased at the dollar store.

So basically, any New Years plans are cancelled, since I can’t call anyone to coordinate, and apparently I’m not supposed to drink. So it’s looking like the evening will be spent watching True Blood because apparently it is damn good. It’ll be the first night in 2 weeks where the living room won’t be filled with air mattresses occupied by family, which will be sort of nice, but will also sort of suck. Oh well. I hope everyone had a merry Christmas/happy Hanukkah/enjoyable religious or secular holiday.

So…it works how?

I’m not delusional, that looks like an ornamental mirkin, right? It’s not! It’s adhesive panties. Because slapping some tape to your vag is much more comfortable and convenient than underwear or going commando.

So, I guess these are pretty much panty liners only worn the opposite way around… Because they’re sexy? If I were a dude, and it was my wedding night, and that was under the dress, I would run away crying because that does not look like panties. That looks like a cyborg pussy.

So these came to be, because a delusional woman refused to buy underwear that would fit her. Click on the picture above to see the before and after panty line demonstration. The girl obviously isn’t fat, but if you’re a size 4, wearing size 0 underthings is probably not going to look great while wearing unforgiving fabrics. She says she tried every other brand of panties, but all lead to bulging where bulging should not be. Again, had she gone up a size, this whole mess could have been avoided.

Hypothetical situation: Say you’re walking home from a fancy party in which you thought wearing one of these monstrosities would be appropriate. Randy the Rapist is hiding in the bushes, and sees your lack of a panty line, and assumes you’re a slut who doesn’t wear undies. So Randy starts to chase you. You throw your shoes at him like an Iraqi journalist and you run for your life. Jumping over hedges, and dashing through busy streets, you start to build up a sweat. Would that sweat not loosen the adhesive strip you used to apply your pretty pretty skivvies? What if while leaping over a fire hydrant, they fell off? Then you just left a pervy little souvenir for our good friend Randy. Well, in theory anyways. He would probably just be really confused as to why your vagina was leaking fabric strips.

In closing, there is no need for you to use a clamshell to cover your clamshell. You are not the Little Mermaid.

Creepy creepy.

So, wordpress tells you which search engine terms are used when finding your blog. Over the past couple days there has been a sudden increase in people googling me. Which is really bizzarre. And it’s not just my name, it’s like, really specific things, like my name coupled with the school I went to. Or my name and people I know. Or my name and projects I’ve worked on. So, come on guys, who’s been googling me?

JanegaCats

Matthew Janega is pretty much the funniest person on earth. Mostly unintentionally, but serious, one of my favorite people on the planet. In an effort to force him to write for my blog/make a weekly South Park recap, I give you JanegaCats! They’re kind of like LolCats, only featuring my favorite Janega quotes. Click the picture for more.

CSI Miami Roleplay – w4m – 30 (Downtown)

So, sometimes when I get bored, I like to post fake ads on craigslist. No this does not make me a bad person, shut the hell up. Click the picture to go to the original ad, or just read it here. My favorite responses will be posted after the jump (I got over 100 responses. For serious). I’m going to remove the useless crap from the messages though, like that craigslist disclaimer that every message comes with because that takes up tons of space. Explaining this also takes up space actually so I probably should have just done it. Emphasis is mine.

I’m an attractive professional with a great apartment in Yaletown, and have no issues meeting men.

However, I have a very specific fantasy. I consistantly fantasize about David Caruso. Not just plain David Caruso though, specifically David Caruso playing Horatio Caine.

I’ll be happy to go into more details over phone/email, just know in advance that sunglasses are not optional. You can however take them off if things get intense. But I will expect you to put them back on dramatically.

Red hair is a bonus, but not necessary.

I will supply the diet coke (I have read that Mr Caruso enjoys diet coke).

I have a well worn copy of ‘Who’s Next’ ready for the occasion.

Unlike most ads, one liners are both accepted and encouraged.

“Prop 8 – The Musical”

I love Neil Patrick Harris so damn much.

more about ““Prop 8 – The Musical” starring Jack …“, posted with vodpod