Keep calling it swine flu! Yes it hurts the pork industry but pigs are way cute.

So, Matt and I are planning to hit up San Francisco this month, and I’m really stoked. For one, I’ve never been south of Seattle (or New York, whichever is more southern). Secondly, Americans are really awesome at pandemics. Don’t get me wrong, Canada had SARS, we don’t get a free pass when it comes to histrionics, but the nature of the American media leads to a bunch of people freaking the fuck out. I’m really, really looking forward to potentially experiencing this close up.

I actually remember the whole SARS mess. One of my best high school friends was the exchange student from Finland. Her mom came to visit during the SARS outbreak. We were in Saskatchewan, which doesn’t have direct international flights, so her mom had a connecting flight in Toronto (aka the Canadian SARS factory). She had a lovely visit, but got a bit of a cold when she was about to leave. She had another connecting flight in Toronto, and when she got back to Finland and was coughing, she was promptly quarantined. 

Anyways, I think the primary difference between how we dealt with SARS and the USA is dealing with swine flu is how we treated the region of origin. SARS came across the Pacific from China, but I don’t remember there ever being a call to disallow Chinese people from coming to Canada. One of the very first online reactions I saw from Americans regarding swine flu was, “PUT A WALL UP!!!!111!!!!” Obviously these reactions were from the surprisingly large percentage of Americans who feel that the border should be closed anyways, but it was still kind of shocking to me.

Didn’t the flu originate from factory farms owned by Americans that they operate in Mexico because there are fewer regulations and lower operating costs?  Confusion.

I guess I just think it’s silly that people are freaking out over something that can be cured by sleep, soup and pedialyte.

See that? That right there? I just quoted Hurley from Lost. I think that means you have to forgive me for not updating this in a bajillion years.

…ok, fine, I’ve still never seen an episode of Lost. I used the internet. Goddammit stop judging me you smug bastards!

So update time: I spent a month in the Vag, hanging out with the family.  On top of that I’ve been writing way too goddamn much (not blog posts though obviously).

Well, this is a boring post. I’m going to go write a new one about swine flu.

Ok guys, I pushed for Obama just as hard as you did (that is, once Hilzie’s ship had sailed. That’s right, we’re on a nickname basis) but this is getting a bit much.

A fantastic American, who supported Obama before I did, brought up tonight how incredibly uncomfortable he is with the people chanting Obama, and the insane hero worship that is surrounding this administration (he called it Hitler-ey, but he’s a selfhating Jew so he calls a lot of things Hitler-ey). I don’t blame him.

It’s one thing to be excited. You should be excited! It’s like when the wicked witch of the east got killed and the munchkins thought it was safe to emerge from their mushrooms and stuff. But don’t get too excited. Obama is fantastic, he’s a drastic change from the Bush administration, and goddamn is he pretty, but he’s still a politician. He’s still just one guy. He doesn’t have a magic wand, and his joke about being born on Krypton was just a joke.

So I guess what I’m getting at is; be happy, be excited, but most importantly, be realistic. Things won’t be fixed in one night. Hell, things probably won’t be fixed in 4 years, but America has taken a step in the right direction, and you guys should be proud.

PS- How awesome was Joseph Lowery’s benediction? Holy eff. That was fantastic. I think it went over a lot better than Rick Warren’s original invocation of “If it’s black, send it back. If it’s gay, take it’s rights away.”

So, a friend of mine apparently does not read my blog.

We were discussing movies we’re looking forward to, and he mentioned Ghostbusters 3, which he followed with, “but only if Bill Murray is on board.”

In an effort to be clever, I replied with, “The guy who plays Garfield?”

Oh. My. Goodness.

I was not expecting the never ending flow of expletives following a comment that I personally thought was cute.

I would like to take this time to formally apologize for taking our lord and saviour, Mr Bill Murray’s name in vain. I am fully aware that he has done things outside of Garfield; A Tale of Two Kitties.

For some reason, any time there’s a holiday with potential for partying and general acts of awesomeness, I get sick. Whether it’s Christmas, Halloween, or even Canada day, some how I manage to at least have a cold. This year I got a cold Christmas day, which has now progressed to full blown laryngitis. The following are ways that my voice can be/has been described;

• An 85 year old lung cancer patient still smoking while on a ventilator.
• Jerry Seinfeld doing his Godfather impression.
• A waitress who has been working at the same diner since the 50s.
• The chick from the little mermaid had she attempted to talk after that half octopus chick stole her voice.
• Any of the mad men characters had they been real, and still alive today.
• The worst drag queen ever.
• A mouse trying to talk via computer to someone in another country while using a microphone purchased at the dollar store.

So basically, any New Years plans are cancelled, since I can’t call anyone to coordinate, and apparently I’m not supposed to drink. So it’s looking like the evening will be spent watching True Blood because apparently it is damn good. It’ll be the first night in 2 weeks where the living room won’t be filled with air mattresses occupied by family, which will be sort of nice, but will also sort of suck. Oh well. I hope everyone had a merry Christmas/happy Hanukkah/enjoyable religious or secular holiday.

I’m not delusional, that looks like an ornamental mirkin, right? It’s not! It’s adhesive panties. Because slapping some tape to your vag is much more comfortable and convenient than underwear or going commando.

So, I guess these are pretty much panty liners only worn the opposite way around… Because they’re sexy? If I were a dude, and it was my wedding night, and that was under the dress, I would run away crying because that does not look like panties. That looks like a cyborg pussy.

So these came to be, because a delusional woman refused to buy underwear that would fit her. Click on the picture above to see the before and after panty line demonstration. The girl obviously isn’t fat, but if you’re a size 4, wearing size 0 underthings is probably not going to look great while wearing unforgiving fabrics. She says she tried every other brand of panties, but all lead to bulging where bulging should not be. Again, had she gone up a size, this whole mess could have been avoided.

Hypothetical situation: Say you’re walking home from a fancy party in which you thought wearing one of these monstrosities would be appropriate. Randy the Rapist is hiding in the bushes, and sees your lack of a panty line, and assumes you’re a slut who doesn’t wear undies. So Randy starts to chase you. You throw your shoes at him like an Iraqi journalist and you run for your life. Jumping over hedges, and dashing through busy streets, you start to build up a sweat. Would that sweat not loosen the adhesive strip you used to apply your pretty pretty skivvies? What if while leaping over a fire hydrant, they fell off? Then you just left a pervy little souvenir for our good friend Randy. Well, in theory anyways. He would probably just be really confused as to why your vagina was leaking fabric strips.

In closing, there is no need for you to use a clamshell to cover your clamshell. You are not the Little Mermaid.

So, wordpress tells you which search engine terms are used when finding your blog. Over the past couple days there has been a sudden increase in people googling me. Which is really bizzarre. And it’s not just my name, it’s like, really specific things, like my name coupled with the school I went to. Or my name and people I know. Or my name and projects I’ve worked on. So, come on guys, who’s been googling me?

Matthew Janega is pretty much the funniest person on earth. Mostly unintentionally, but serious, one of my favorite people on the planet. In an effort to force him to write for my blog/make a weekly South Park recap, I give you JanegaCats! They’re kind of like LolCats, only featuring my favorite Janega quotes. Click the picture for more.

As submitted by Corey Janson:

More will be added as they come up. Or if you know Matt, submit your own!

So, sometimes when I get bored, I like to post fake ads on craigslist. No this does not make me a bad person, shut the hell up. Click the picture to go to the original ad, or just read it here. My favorite responses will be posted after the jump (I got over 100 responses. For serious). I’m going to remove the useless crap from the messages though, like that craigslist disclaimer that every message comes with because that takes up tons of space. Explaining this also takes up space actually so I probably should have just done it. Emphasis is mine.

I’m an attractive professional with a great apartment in Yaletown, and have no issues meeting men.

However, I have a very specific fantasy. I consistantly fantasize about David Caruso. Not just plain David Caruso though, specifically David Caruso playing Horatio Caine.

I’ll be happy to go into more details over phone/email, just know in advance that sunglasses are not optional. You can however take them off if things get intense. But I will expect you to put them back on dramatically.

Red hair is a bonus, but not necessary.

I will supply the diet coke (I have read that Mr Caruso enjoys diet coke).

I have a well worn copy of ‘Who’s Next’ ready for the occasion.

Unlike most ads, one liners are both accepted and encouraged.

________________________________________________________

subject: CSI Miami Roleplay

I will travel to your crime scene, and speak to the investigators. Has the scene been sealed, and and the officers out?  We will have to examine every inch, of your scene.  Send me the details, and the address where you are at. I’ll bring my equipment.

H.C.

________________________________________________________

Note, this guy sent an AMAZING picture, it’s of himself, in a button down shirt and sunglasses, standing in front of a yacht, genuinely trying to look like David Caruso.  I’ll be happy to send it to anyone that wants to see, I’m just not enough of a cunt to post it here.

subject: I may even look like David

If you look real close, I may even look a bit like him…I actually worked with David in a play in Toronto about 10 years ago. I do some acting myself here and there.
 
Ricci…aka Horatio

________________________________________________________

date:Sun, Dec 7, 2008 at 12:12 AM
subject:The only thing that matters is the evidence.

G’day Miss,
Glad to read we live in the same neighbourhood. I loved the fact you made an effort to use your brain when you
posted your ad on craigslist.
 I hope you’re enjoying your weekend so far. One of my fav CSI quotes:
You know what they say “You lie down with the Devil, you wake up in Hell”.
 
Damian
778 387 ****

________________________________________________________

subject:David Caruso…

Hi! I have a 8X11 signed by David Caruso… I love him! But would you play the part of Calleigh Duquesne, thats the question!
We should meetup, I even do the sideways glances, and slow menacing talking lol!
I’m 6′5″, but not red headed…
Cheers,
Cris

___________________________________________________________

Note: this guy included a picture of himself in sunglasses.

subject: Ok sure,

I’ll wear as many pairs of sunglasses as you want.  I like diet coke and am interested in seeing what you have imagined.  I love CSI and have blonde hair.

___________________________________________________________

dateSat, Dec 6, 2008 at 4:48 PM

 
then heres a good one ….
 
 
your long legs should be talking like horatio…  saying….
 
 
 
WE NEVER CLOSE…. ( and cue the sunglasses….  )

___________________________________________________________

subject: LOL…. I love CSI Miami!

“How many times was it then?”

“Oh no lieutenant……..question is…..how good was it?”   YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Hope to hear back from you:-)

___________________________________________________________

subject: role

You have creative [erotic] thoughts about the intensity you wish to display

___________________________________________________________

subject: Miami style

How are you tonight? I’m investigating a crime scene and need your assistance, might you help me out?
 
http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e104/PieceOfMind666/csimiami-Copy.jpg

___________________________________________________________

subject: CSI Miami

Hey I read your ad on Craigslist.  Is this for real?  I’ve watched enough CSI to know the character….

___________________________________________________________

subject: CSI Miami Roleplay – w4m – 30 (Downtown)

I have red hair and am 42 and live in the city of Vancouver with a pair of wrap-around sunglasses and I have no issues over making good use of my 7 1/2 inches when things get intense.
 
David

___________________________________________________________

subject: CSI Miami Roleplay – w4m – 30 (Downtown)
 

Hello caleigh ..
 
How are you doing tonight

___________________________________________________________

dateSat, Dec 6, 2008 at 12:16 AM
i ahve red hair
id bewilling to do that for you

___________________________________________________________

subject: That’s one…(remove sunglasses)…
 

…interesting idea of fun.
 
*turns to small child* “It is my mission in life to see that NO ONE hurts you.”

___________________________________________________________

subject: cop in real life

im a cop in real life…can play the role better than anyone else..add me to messenger

___________________________________________________________

subject: Red Hair and Sciences Grad
 

Interested in an educated, tall, fit, red hair and blue eyed man of 35? If so, this conversation will become more elaborate as we investigate each other farther.

B….till I know you are there

___________________________________________________________

subject: CSI Miami Roleplay – w4m – 30 (Downtown)

“Hmm. Gynecomastia. Enlarged breast. Would signify female, but could also be male. No armpit hair but pronounced hair on the knuckles.”
     “So what are you saying?”
“What I’m saying is, I’m not an anthropologist. Could be a big woman or a small man

___________________________________________________________

subject: CSI

i’m down with the CSI roleplay… if you’re still looking.
i have a trench coat, shades, and everything.

i will have to youtube a few episodes to get into character, however.
let me know what you think.

___________________________________________________________

subject: DNA Testing?FingerPrints?

This is serious reply no drama no bullshit.. hope you are the same too…I won’t disappoint you. Roleplaying is awesome… I actually want to be a cop… so this kinda fits hahah
OH and.. i have AWESOME sunglasses!

About myself..
I am attractive and have been told I am cute. I am confident and decisive. I’m a nice guy, very easy to approach and open to anything. I’m a nice guy to hang around with, go to the movies, stroll in the mall, coffee+Chitchat, or have a serious conversation with. I respect all that needs respecting.

I am above avg height standing at 5′10, 160lb Asian Canadian.. I am very fit as i go to the gym 5x a week. I have the exact kind of body you would see in a magazine (the models), well defined strong chest and abs, broad strong shoulders, Wide back and strong arms.
I am D&D free, clean and have a Healthy body. I don’t like smoking, or drugs. I am a social drinker, wine, beer and so on.
I am 24.. a nice guy.. not a creep.

In sex, I enjoy the foreplay, and I DO Think its important….
i love em!!!….. the kissing, caressing, hugging.. Those turn me on… i find it very sexy…
I like that connection during sex… No Inhibitions kinda thing.. I have Good stamina…
And hearing the woman moan in enjoyment and excitement.  It turns me on…so i dont mind going down on a woman as long as they are D&D free and clean.  Clean not just look clean.. but smell too…. anyways
I have been told many times I am FANTASTIC with my tongue.. my fingers… I’ve made girls quiff from oral… dont know if i should be proud or not but yea…
Talking naughty is cool i find it super sexy haha…
I am adventurous so yea… Naughty places… sexy lingerie… try new positions… Sex in shower.. or just showering together!.  Almost anything to spice up the sex.. to make the sex more interesting and fun…

let me know I am seriously interested…   not BS once again!

___________________________________________________________

subject:  This looks like one casual encounter….
…..that just got a little more serious…

*rips off sunglasses*

YEAAAHHHHHHHHHH……

___________________________________________________________

subject: CSI Miami Roleplay – w4m – 30 (Downtown)

 Hey 18 red headed 6foot2 150 lbs sun glassed

___________________________________________________________

subject: CSI Miami Roleplay – w4m – 30 (Downtown)

I have been told by others that I look a bit like David Caruso. I have a wide range of suits that fit the bill and am more than ready to break out the aviators for ya. John

___________________________________________________________

Ok, then there were a couple emails, that for the sake of entertainment, I responded to. I’m getting rid of the formatting to save space. My responses are in bold italics.

subject: CSI

got my sunglasses and ready to investigate the crime……..you have pic you can share? will return the favour. Can I be the Indian David Caruso?

If you drink enough diet coke and wish extra hard, yes you can be David Caruso.

funny, I ll just get on that right away. Should I say abracadabra at any point?

No, just close your eyes and dream as hard as you can.

not working…now what?

Hair dye and a stroke?

___________________________________________________________

subject: This is funny

‘Cause….(pause for effect)…’you know what’?
(Pause.)
 
I happen to like attractive women with apartments
in Yaletown…in fact you couldsay I like them ALOT.
 
So who are you really (I really wanna know) and
what is your proffession anyway?

I’m just a dreamer, who genuinely appreciates Mr Caruso’s contribution to modern television.

I had my picture taken vicariously with Mr Caruso
….
but hey, that was a long time ago,…it was at the P.N.E
and CTV had a photo booth
 
but heres somethin’ youre not gonna believe
 
I wrote to one of the cast members for CSI MIAMI
as a fan and SHE sent me one back…
 
HINT/CLUE? She also stars on The Border.
 
Google tells all. ……btw, my names: “Max”

I will sleep with you if you send me that picture.
 
PS- Please provide me with the address you used to contact Sofia Milos.

sofia@sofiamilos.com
 
She also sent me THIS link….:
 
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=n5Un89UbP2M
 
But anyway, put your PANTIES back on and
throw away that condom…….the picture I had
taken was with , you should know this,……..
was with a lifesize cardboard cutout with Mr Caruso
 
but here in the real world…….I have worked on
film sets which starred Jackie Chan and Treat Williams….
 
are …….you………..imp-r-essssssssed?
 
 - – -
 
I have to say one word mention of the word sex
and I am getting so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o turned on
seriously am…
 
are you wearing anything ?

___________________________________________________________

subject: CSI Miami Roleplay – w4m – 30 (Downtown)
Do I have to speak slowly an turn away from you when we speak?
 
31, 5′10″

Slowly, and with pauses in between words.

I’ll… do my best…. then.

See, that works, but then you need to put your sunglasses on and repeat it.

I’m going….. to need from you…. some photographic evidence.

That’s still being processed.

Let me know…. when it comes back from the lab.

___________________________________________________________

Basically, I effing love Craigslist.

I love Neil Patrick Harris so damn much.